I'll Hold My Breath
by Konsui's Little Brother
Summary: Years have passed since Alice left Wonderland, years that she spent in China. What will happen when she finally sees the Mad Hatter again? A song-fic.


A/N: This story is dedicated to my sister Lancesinmyheart, who has an account on this site as well. She asked me for this earlier today and I just couldn't say no. This is my first time writing an Alice In Wonderland Fic but you can be expecting more soon.

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_Breathe air you're not used to, tread floors you don't fall through  
Make waves... _

She had spent five years here, trying to make her fathers dreams become a reality, and it still bothered her. China was a beautiful country, far different from London, but she couldn't quite get over the difference. Not between China and London, but the difference between the Above World and Wonderland. Alice thought it was the air, it didn't feel the same to her. Not as loved maybe, or maybe it was how everything seemed so normal, so bland. The air in Wonderland had a different feel to it, not bland in the slightest and so full of Muchness, it was a happy air.

It was so curious, at least Alice thought it was, how you could walk down a street in London or China and not worry about falling through or seeing an unexpected twist. That's how it was in Wonderland, or at least that is how she remembered it, things always changing at the last minute. Here though, she could walk with her eyes closed and know where she would end up, she didn't have to keep one eye open for fear of falling down and down and down and waking up somewhere she didn't know.

Wonderland was far away from China and yet it was never far from her mind. Alice would often find herself looking at her fathers blue-prints and not really seeing them, instead she would see a blue caterpillar that never ceased to bother sometimes she would find herself talking into a mouse-hole in her bedroom, memories of a little doormouse floating around her head. And they would always stir something inside of her, a wave of Muchness she presumed, that would urge her to go back to London and fall back through the Rabbit Hole.

_You crash a symbol hard  
Follow no one, always play the wrong card_

Wonderland had left her different, changed in a way that no one could explain, and those changes had always gnawed at the back of her mind. It wasn't Wonderland that had changed her, she would tell herself, she had changed herself! But she could never quite get herself to belive that.

She had been so tired of everyone trying to run her life. 'Marry this boy Alice', 'wear this dress Alice', 'Slay the Jabberwocky Alice', that when she had been asked to stay she had answered 'no' without even stopping to think. She told herself that it was because she wanted to finish her fathers dream but...

It had been the wrong choice. She was always making the wrong choices these days, always laying down the wrong card, she couldn't stop calling the wrong bluff. London wasn't right for her, and clearly China was no better, but she had been welcome in Wonderland.

_Waste days, in foreign places  
Shed lights, on your better side  
Reassure me that you'll wait for me, wait for me as long as it takes! _

Her trade-line was going well, her idea had worked just like she had hoped it would, and now she was just over-seeing the events of the first major trades. She would spend her days down at the docks, watching as the ships came in and out carrying boxes and crates and people, and her days passed by ever slowly.

She had spent years in China but it wasn't home for her, it wasn't even a vacation spot for her, it was all foreign. They were just as strict here in China as in London, dreams and fantasies were for children and the adults were suppossed to work hard and follow the standards that were already set for them. It wasn't a foriegn concept for Alice, she had grown up in a place with the same expectations, but it wasn't something that she could just sit down and except. Not any more she couldn't.

Down in Wonderland, in Underland, the spot-light had been on her. She was a dreamer and dreamers were what made Wonderland wonderful. All of the best dreams of hers came from Wonderland, and her best dreams always brought out her best work for the trade-line. Wonderland had given her a different view of things, it had shed light on her true-self.

Her true self, her better self, her real self, her better side. The light of Wonderland, of being known for her dreams and not for her absent-mindedness, had brought it to the surface. Her dreams weren't just dreams down there, they were real questions that others wondered about too.

When she left Wonderland, she had promised the Hatter that she would return one day. She had told him that she would never forget him and that she wouldn't forget Wonderland either, and he had promised her the same thing. He had promised her that he would be there when she got back but she couldn't help the fact that she wished to be reasured he was still waiting.

She wanted to go back to Wonderland, and she wanted to go back now, but she had another year before she was to return to London. Another year before she could return to Wonderland. Another year before she would see the Hatter again. But she told herself that she wasn't really worried, after all, she had promised the Hatter she would return and he had promised to wait for her no matter how long it took.

_And I'll hold my breath, I'll hold my breath_

Alice would wait though, counting the days and holding her breath, she would wait for the year to end so she could return to Wonderland. She would wait and she would wait and she would wait, because that's what she said she would do.

When the year ended she would return, first to London where she would say fare-thee-well to her family, and then she would find that Rabbit Hole and go back to Wonderland. Then they could both breathe again, for she knew that the Hatter always kept his promises, and she would no longer have to wait and wait and wait.

_Until you see me in your dreams  
We'll stay awake beneath the trees_

Seeing as Wonderland was in her dreams, Alice couldn't help but figure that going to Wonderland would once more be like going into a dream, a dream in which the Hatter lived. So that meant that she would be in the Hatter's dreams for he obviously dreamed of what he would do next in Wonderland, the hats he would make, the places he would Futterwacken, it made perfect sense to her.

She would stay up at night planning what adventures of hers she would tell first, only to find herself thinking that none of her adventures in the Above World would astound a Wonderlander, let alone a perfectly mad Wonderlander. Even though she knew that she kept sorting her stories, making sure that they never mixed, and she would gaze out the window at the single tree in her yard and wish that the Rabbit Hole was under that tree instead of one in London.

_We'll watch the buildings turn to dust  
A sky of diamonds just for us_

She could picture the buildings that the Bloody Red Queen had built being torn down, red chips and pink dust floating into the sky, beautiful just like the Queen had wanted it to be. A colorful gust of wind that was the complete oppisite of what it had been as a building, no fear in the air anymore, just the love that had always been buried by hate.

The stars would glisten on nights when her mind wandered to Wonderland, they glistened in a way that shouldn't have been possible in this air, and she would tell herself that it was Wonderland saying it was still there. A night sky filled with diamonds, with love, and a pureness that only Wonderland held.

_You are the risk I'll always take  
The only branch I'll never break  
Those fears we'll blow them all away_

If it happened again, something like the Bloody Red Queen ruling Wonderland, she would fight. She wouldn't hesitate to take that risk, to step into that fight, to be the champion that was suppossed to fight alone but wouldn't because she had a Mad Hatter as a friend. She would always take that risk now, because that was where the Hatter lived so really, she told herself, really she was taking the risk for him and not for Wonderland.

The Hatter was mad, there was no doubt in anyones mind that he was perfectly and absolutely mad, but he was different from the March Hare. Not as easy to break, but when he did you would need more than a cup of tea to put him back together. That was one of the reasons that Alice would return when she did, she couldn't let him break because he waited and waited and waited and she hadn't come.

When she went back to Wonderland she would brush all those fears from her mind. She would never leave again because that was where she belonged, with the dreamers, and the animals that spoke, and the cats the vanished, and the Perfectly Mad Hatter. And she would never fear that she had laid down the wrong card again.

_Fight fires in your best clothes, touch skin with your eyes closed  
Chase thunder...  
With the volume down_

She would be the Champion of Wonderland once more, because surely nothing would stay perfect if only because everyone wanted it to be that way, and she would go up against what ever was thrown her way. She could see herself clad once more in the armor that she had worn to slain the Jabberwocky, Vorpal Sword in hand, and the White Queen telling her where she would have to go, because surely it couldn't stay perfect forever and since she was The Alice she would have to set things straight again.

Some nights, when she closed her eyes, she could see the Wonderlanders in her room. The Hatter, and McTwisp, and Chesher, and the March Hare, and Mally, and when she reached out she could almost touch them. Almost feel them in the room with her, the air as peaceful as it was in Wonderland.

Of course she wasn't a stupid girl, contrary to what Absolum would tell her, she knew that they weren't real. They were all down in Wonderland and trying to touch them, to speak with them, was like trying to chase after thunder. A feat that she knew, though it might not be impossible for she didn't believe that anything was, was one that she could never do.

So she would turn away from those images and those dreams, she would turn the thunders volume all the way down, and she would return to her work. The quicker she got it down, she would constantly tell herself, the quicker she could leave for London and no silly images would distract her. Or atleast she wouldn't let them always distract her.

_Pack a suitcase, wonder to the next town_

And the year finally came to an end, the streams still frosted with a spider-cracked ice, and a blanket of snow on the ground. Lord Ascot had wanted her to stay, the trade-line was just starting to increase business, but she had told him 'no' and finished packing her suit-case. Just one, for really everything that she would need was already in Wonderland, but she couldn't very well leave with nothing in her hand. Everyone would think that she was daft.

Alice borded the ship quickly, the ship she noted was dubbed the Blue Butterfly. Curioser and curioser, it seemed like Wonderland knew she was coming home. Perhaps the Oricalicom had told them when she would return, she mused to herself, and this was their way of letting her know that they were still waiting.

_Force quit, on your losing streak  
Solve a riddle in a magazine, be tongue in cheek_

Alice was off of the ship as soon as it landed, suit-case in hand, she galumphed down the walk-way. Eyes set on the road ahead of her, Alice moved quickly towards her house and towards her mother. She would say tell her mother and sister good-bye and then she would leave for Wonderland.

This would be the end to her losing streak, her set of bad cards, the choice that set her life straight and turned her in the right direction. The Above World was not for her and making the choice to come back had started a string of bad decisions, it only made sense that when she returned to Wonderland the string of bad decisions would end. Of course, that wasn't why she was going back.

Barely able to contain herself, her mind a blur of colors and thoughts and riddles and -Oh! Was that a white rabbit in a waist-coat? No, she told herself after a quick glance in the bush, just a bag that somebody had let go. She was being silly and she knew it, thinking that McTwisp would be in the Above World just because she was returning to Wonderland. A silly thought if she ever had one.

McTwisp was in Wonderland, in Underland, and she wasn't even near the Rabbit Hole yet. There would be no reason for McTwisp, or any of the other Wonderlanders, to be up here in the Above World. Perhaps though, she might have an escort to the White Queens Castle when she returned. That would be a pleasent surprise.

_Tell me that we're still too young,  
That we're still too young and I'll hold my tongue_

She had been too young back when she had the chance to stay in Wonderland, at eighteen she still had dreams to tkae care of and riddles to solve and a business to start, but now she wasn't. She knew what she wanted and she knew that she wasn't too young anymore.

Of course, she couldn't help but worry if Hatter would think, that maybe she was still too young. It was quite possible, her mind kindly pointed out, that he would think she should have been back sooner or later or that she shouldn't have come back and would want nothing more to do with her. In that case, Alice would hold her tongue. For really, it would be her fault if he thought that. She had been the one to leave.

_Until you see me in your dreams  
WE'll stay awake beneath the trees_

Wonderland was as she remembered it, better in parts though because there was no longer any influence from the Red Queen, just as it had been in her dreams. Which gave her hope, just a smidgen which is a very small amount, that perhaps her previous thoughts were correct. Perhaps this was like the dreams she had dreamt back in China when the air was inexplicably light and happy.

The Hatter would surely be at the White Queen's, after all, he had been her Royal Hatter before the Red Queen took Wonderland over. And as she travelled down the path, newly added, and under trees that had not been there when last she visited, she found herself wondering more about how the Hatter was than the others. In fact, she couldn't help but notice that the others barely crossed her mind.

_We'll watch the buildings turn to dust  
A sky of diamonds just for us_

The White Queens castle was as beautiful and clean as she remembered, new buildings had been added as the Queen returned to power, and the courtyard was filled with bustling Wonderlanders. With a smile Alice took a few steps into the courtyard, and all the heads turned to her. "A-alice!" Her smile widened as McTwisp's small form made it's way through the gawking crowd. "McTwisp! It's so good to see you again!"

They didn't talk long, Alice and McTwisp, for the white rabbit had to run off to a 'very important appointment' leaving her only with the directions to both the Hatters room and the White Queen's chambers. And for some reason, with her stomache a-flutter, Alice was compelled to go find the Hatter first.

_You are the risk I'll always take_

The walk to the Hatter's 'Hatting Room' was very uneventful, the only thing to keep Alice company was the twitsing and turning and flopping and churning of her very upset stomache. She would say it was nerves but really, what was there to be nervouse about? It was just the Hatter after all, and they were only friends. Very good friends, but still just friends.

_The only branch I'll never break_

Alice knocked once, and after hearing the noise of something shattering inside, hurridly opened up the door. Just as she had expected, the Hatter was inside the oddly checkered room, a shattered tea-pot near his feet. The room was messy and the look on her face very closely resembled the one he wore when the Red Queen had taken him captive. "Hatter?" Since when had her voice taken on such a quiet tone? The person in question looked up, first confusion and then realization fluttered across his face.

_Thsoe fears we'll blow them all way  
_  
"Is it..It is! I would recognize you anywhere!" The Hatter moved across the room, quicker than Alice would have liked as she was trying to quell her twisting stomache, and paused a few feet in front of her. "You've come back at last! I told them you would, they didn't believe me of course, said that you would forget about us like the last time, but I knew better!" The 'mad'-grin that he had been wearing slipped off of his face just as suddenly as it had come. "Unless...You do remember me, don't you Alice?" His voice had gone down so it was not much more than a small whisper.

_I'm here, I'm here to save you_

"I remember you Hatter, you and all of the wonderful things that happened in Wonderland. And I've kept my promise." Her stomache gave an almost painful twist as she looked at him, it bothered her greatly to see him so distraught. "I'm here Hatter, and this time I'm not going to go back to the Above World. I'm staying in Wonderland."

Had she really upset him this badly by leaving? It appeared as if she had but he had still waited for her. And with the way time-flow changed in Wonderland, he could have been waiting for a few hours or a a few years or it could even seem like she left for-ever and a day ago. But she was here now, with a stomache that made her feel light-headed, but she was still here. And she wasn't going to leave again.

_No fall, I will swim to save you_

The Hatter reached a hand out, hesitantly placing it on her cheek, and the mad-grin he was known so well for came back. "It is you! It really is! Chesher will be so dissapointed, not that you're back no, but because he lost his bet. You see, he didn't think that you would come back, thought I was wasting my time he did!"

Alice's stomache gave another painful leap when he put his hand on her, he was so very cold feeling, and yet as he pulled away her stomache seemed to sink lower. She watched, a look of amusement on her face, as he moved across the room and towards his desk. He might have fallen while she was gone, but that wouldn't happen now that she was back. And after she was through here, and she visited the White Queen, she would be having a talk with Chesher.

_You are the risk I'll always take_

Moments later the Hatter was back on the same side of the room as she was, his tall hat in it's proper place on his head, and a jovial grin on his face. "Alice? Is something the matter lad? I've got something to show you." He tilted his head to the side, a light blue sun-hat in his hands.

_The only branch I'll never break_

As she stood there lost in her own thoughts, which happened to be a saying that she never agreed with seeing as she knew the way around her own mind, she vagualy remembered something that her sister had once told her. 'I'll tell you how you know the right man Alice. You'll know him from the way your stomache and your heart acts. When I met Lowel for the first time, my stomache was bundle of nerves, but after that day I couldn't get him off of my mind.'

_Those fears we'll blow them all way_  
_Mushy scene that should have been in the movie but was deleted because they were stupid_

"Alice?" Shaking her head slightly, Alice looked from the perfectly made hat that the Hatter was holding, to the perfectly mad Hatter himself. "I'm fine Hatter, but..." And then she knew that she was old enough, more time had passed than it should have, and if she didn't do it now while her stomache was quiet than she would never have the nerve to do it later. Standing on he rtip-toes, for he was still much taller than she was, she placed a hand on either side of his face and leaned in, giving him the smallest of kisses. "I do believe that I love you Hatter."


End file.
